2014/2015

This post is fairly daunting. This is my fourth (?) attempt at writing this essay/post (I try to write an essay but it does inevitably end up as a post). I want to write down my "resolutions" for 2015 but every time I do I end up rattling off 2014 like I did last year with my 2013 post. The issue is that I didn't achieve much in 2013 but I achieved so much in 2014 and I come across as smug and trying to wound the readers confidence (which is the last thing I want to do).

My main resolution for 2015 is to get ready to uni. I've now been accepted by four universities and they're good universities. It's been a real confidence boost for me. The UCAS process was often described as really difficult and scary. That was partly because I wanted to do medicine but also my old school told us from fourteen that we needed to do extracurricular for universities to consider us when really nobody mentions their CREST science award or bronze DofE.  I just need to hear back from my final choice now. I know that with university applications that no news is good news but it is fairly frustrating when the university said they would start offering places in late December.

My main emphasis in this resolution is that I have to get my health up to go to university. For those of you who stumbled upon this, hi, I'm Sophie and I have hypermobility syndrome which is a chronic pain and fatigue syndrome with similar symptoms to fibromyalgia. If I get strong this year I will be able to do more things as my muscles won't get as tired. People often believe that pain is the worst thing about a condition like this but honestly the fatigue is the worst thing. Having no energy is debilitating and you have to plan obsessively when you want to go out. When I check the diary for a day or night out I have to see if I'm doing anything in the 48 hours surrounding the event so I can rest. Pain is completely manageable if you have something to look forward to. However, if you don't have the energy to do things it becomes a condition that is much more difficult to cope with. I have to get to a point this year where I have energy to live a normal student life and I can only do that through physio which is physically tough. I really want to have a normal uni experience.

I also want to clear out my room as part of the mental preparation of living away from home. I like my room and it's physically beautiful but I've felt like it's been clogged up since I moved in to my current house. My room at my last house was too small for me and the wardrobe was a nightmare because nothing fit in it but I absolutely adored it. My current room is 40% bigger and the wardrobe is massive (which I adore) but recently I've felt off in it because it's felt very full up with things I don't need any more. My room is also my work space so I struggle to distance myself from my work in it as my work is always on every single surface because my room is too full to put it away.

I want to clear out my rubbish because I want to feel like I have a room at home which is a really safe space for me that is luxurious compared to the broom cupboard I will inevitably end up in in London. I read Apartment Therapy when I was thirteen and has become a really important book for me because it discusses your space and your corresponding mental state. It covers how to clear out and make your home you can really love. They also have a fantastic interior design blog. I need to clear out my room because as Apartment Therapy has always said, if you are cluttered and unhappy with your home you will find it uninviting. My room often reflects my state of mind (which is often overwhelmed). I want my room to be a calm place and it's not right now.

There's a part of that clear out process that feels like I am ready to start a new part of my life and part of that is not carrying round junk from my current life. I'm not going to throw away important things but my physics practical books aren't going to be a thing I look back on fondly when I'm in my fourties, instead I'll write horror books based on the trauma of the physics practical lesson. I need that clean start and I can't do that with fifty-two highlighters.

I need to learn how to use to-do lists. I am great at writing them however I struggle with looking at them and carrying out the things on the list. Honestly, the items are normally on the list because I'm procrastinating in the first place. I'm aware at uni my mum won't remind me that I really need to drive my car because I haven't driven it in two weeks and the battery will go flat (again). I can't really say that "get organised" is a goal because I'm generally on top of most things but I do need to start writing down things on paper, instead of my hands.

Another main resolution is to learn how to write to a higher standard. 

Writing has been important to me since a young age; I wanted to be an author when I was in junior school. A part of that has always been that I have been fairly good at it throughout my childhood, it's the thing I felt best in for a long time which is odd because I now only do science and maths. I stopped writing properly throughout my teenage years until this blog (and a couple of novel attempts in my early teens) so I feel fairly out of practice.

My English GCSE had three pieces of coursework: a non-creative piece, a creative piece and a response to a newspaper article. My worst score was in the non-creative section which has dented my confidence. I want to write essays because I find ideas easier for non-creative writing but it just doesn't come as naturally to me as when I write creatively. I'm also reading a lot of essays at the moment and that has really inspired me to do something I find really difficult to do.

I struggle mainly with writing sentences that are "nice" and writing large volumes. When I read essays I'm struck by the length of the paragraphs. Maybe I don't have as much to say? Maybe I'm someone who condenses (I'm definitely someone who condenses)? I want to write longer paragraphs.

I want to start writing more short stories. I used to write fiction so readily. I always want to write a book with a complicated plot and I just need to focus on my short stories so I become an engaging writer. Often when writing fiction my style becomes self indulgent, my language slips out of those nicely constructed sentences I pride myself on and I just start to try and engage with the characters without trying to engage with the reader. I become wrapped up in my own head. I can't do this if I want to write well. 

My big hurdle with writing short stories is my lack of ideas. It's less of a lack of ideas but a lack of confidence in those ideas. "That won't work." "That's too complicated." I've been reading short stories, especially on Rookie, and often they're just little snippets on how people interact with eachother. It can not be hard to think of two people to talk to each other. 

I would like to write more. I think that's really a large part of my whole "write better" resolution. I don't believe in quantity over quality but I do believe that the more you write the more comfortable you become with your voice and style. Everything really improves.

My final big resolution is just for me to work really hard. I already do this but self motivation can be really difficult, especially during the Easter holidays before study leave. I also want to work hard when I get to uni and to not be daunted by the amount of work that I get set. I'm really looking forward to being set reading as uni homework because reading is something that I am naturally good at and fast at. I haven't been set reading prep in a very long time.

I think there's a balance between self kindness and self motivation. On one hand if you aren't kind to yourself when it comes to doing exams and doing past papers then your confidence drops and this isn't good for the quality of your work. Then, on the other hand if you're too kind I don't think you'll work as hard. There's a balance. Sometimes I'm overly harsh to myself because I really want to acheive. I think it's ok. I just have to monitor it.

My other resolutions don't feel as much like proper resolutions but more like little goals that I just want to do: I want to get go on holiday with my friends post exams,I want to go to the Kings Road or Carnaby Street with Han*, I'm seeing Samantha Shannon on the 31st of January, I want to go to Miranda's formal hall**, I want to go to concerts, I want to learn how to do all of my makeup in 10 minutes and I want to die my hair***

Hopefully 2015 will be good because I'm so excited for it. I'm finally becoming an adult 

*We both love Brandy Melville
** My friend Miranda is at Oxford and every Tuesday they have a big dinner with wine and it's in a hall that looks like Hogwarts
*** I'm a bit bored with my hair colour and I really just want to go semi-permanently auburn.